“It’s forgotten!”
biting bullets
finally decided that I need to watch the last 3 episodes of house, which until now I have been to scared to watch. House has been my favorite show for 8 years, I remember staying up watching DVD box sets of it on my moms computer and talking to lindsey bolding via MYSPACE, and now….well now its all ending, and I have to grow up and accept that
in other news, I feel kind of weird about this whole Erika thing(the name of the girl who just landed back in my life), because yes, yesterday was awesome, if some what rushed and awkward, but…..in two weeks mike does come home, and even though she promised to try her best (as did i) to keep this friendship going….She does put him above all else…
in two weeks I might have to realize that I am alone, and that maybe Im not meant to have a friend like her after all. Chandra will always be my best friend, and my greatest love in this whole world…but Erika will always be someone very precious to me, and I know it sounds bad, but I kinda think this is what was missing in my life these past few months….that maybe her being gone was why I was so mopey and miserable. Maybe just for a second I should forget all of this and just be happy….but if she leaves again
Im going to be very very sad, and it will all be my fault.
but…Ive been friends with her for only six years, before that, we knew eachother, she came and saw my bands shows,we went to the same youth group during the brief time I actually went to church, and I found out that we had been friends when we were very young, and some how we had both buried away those memories.
she knows things that people shouldnt know about me. And I know things that she isnt even willing to admit to herself. She is some great enigma to me, she will never be someone I care for as much as chandra, but she will always be valuable to me.
but maybe thats just what I have to do, I have to go on hulu and watch these last few hours of my favorite show, and let them die, let my memories of them fade and wilt…..maybe I just need to be happy for 3 hours
or two weeks.
maybe I just need to let her live her life, if im not in it…the thats okay, if its what we both really need. I have chandra, a women I will always love, and cherish in a way that most people will never cherish another human life…and she has michael, a man who she loves, no matter what he does, who she wants to grow old and have children with, no matter how many times he hurts her….as long as shes mostly happy its worth it.
maybe thats what I need too. to just be mostly happy. maybe working, going to school, and at the end of the day, talking to chandra for 3 hours should be enough, going out to dinner with her on the weekends, and hanging out with all of our friends one or two nights every week. sure… its not what I had that summer, but it should be enough….right? I mean, Im happy with chandra, I wouldnt have it any other way….but Im not that happy, not as happy as I was that summer…when I had to blot out the saddness of chandra being gone, knowing I couldnt help her with all the trauma she was going through all those miles away. Erika helped me cover my saddness with massive amounts of fun, and laughter, so I didnt have to feel terrible.
she works at Meijers full time, she drives a pickup truck she cant completely drive, lives in a small apartment with 3 cats, a lot of fish, and a few dozen snakes…and Michael, a man I once called my friend. She goes to work, comes home, relaxs, and goes to bed to repeat the cycle just like I do. she said after I left, that she was miserable, until she just accepted that this was how life was. that even though, you are happy, you still want to be that happy….a level of happiness neither of us have ever had at any time in our lives. When she was so alone and sad, I sat there, I listened, and I helped her get through it.
and now we’re in each others lives again. Yet im still not happy, I feel distraught, because….this might just be house, this might last a long time….and then suddenly be gone.
I just need to bite the bullet, and let what happens happen. Because at the end of the day. that is all you can do.
-Hoover
I had some medical trouble this week that had me dreaming of upgrading my model. The photosynthetic critter is based on the sea slug Elysia chlorotica.
This is awesome and I agree 100%
Rosemary is the best, the BEST
